Well...if you have heard both those songs...then you should be able to guess what this post is about. If not...then go listen to them both and put two and two together...even a cave man can do it.
Anywho...I have been feeling more and more apart from my friends lately. This especially hit me hard when my parents asked why I usually go to the movies with one of them...well boys and girls it is because the friends I have do not enjoy the same movies I do....or they are just complete morons and are much more innocent and child-like then what anyone around my age should be with a 4.0 grade average. Don't get me wrong I do love the friends I have, but sometimes being with them some of them for more then 7 hours a week is a little much for me.
But hearing my parents ask me that question brought up some unwated emotions. I do not know if I described this dude friend I had/have, but I will this time to make sure since he was and still is the reason I've been feeling completely unwanted and hopeless with a 'minor' low self-esteem issue. I've known him for almost ten years. We were on a bowling team together when we first met and personally, I don't think either of us liked one another then. We didn't go to the same school and all he chose to do was make fun of me because I was (And still am) over weight....then there was a five year gap we didn't see one another or talk because he had stopped bowling. Once those five years were up though he transfered to my high school during my junior year (making him a sophomore). We talked a little then and when my senior year came around we were close to being best friends. I don't think there was a time my senior year that we weren't walking to our classes together (We had most our classes together). We were both on the high school bowling team, one of the many interests we had in common....
We had a more then friends relationship going on without going the full length. We weren't boy-friend and girl-friend. We were just best friends with a little something extra. This was okay for the time being and I really didn't care if it had the potential to go farther. I did have a crush on this friend and I knew that he was way out of my league even when doing things with one another. He was picky with the girls he did things with so I wasn't gonna push my luck. Yes I know, bad on my part for being used like a whore. I've had worse things done to me then being used.
Now this is where I was getting a bad feeling...Graduation finally came around for me and with him getting a job we saw less and less of each other until our four-man bowling team from our youth league for teens went to Las Vegas, Nevada for the Youth national gold tournament (whatever the bowling tourny was for the national tournament). We spent four days in vegas. The first day we got there it was already night...spent a whole damn day flying there because of delays.. Though that night was not bad. We got to our hotel a little before ten and got to our rooms. Now I traveled with the two guys in the group to vegas with one of the guys mom and her boyfriend. Our fourth teammate arrived a little later with her parents and bunked in my room with me. (I know that was a useless information but I really don't care....I ramble a lot even when typing.). This first night in vegas though was very...very fun.
The parents that came let us roam around while they gambled as long as we stayed in the hotel. We grabbed dinner and went back to the boys room (right next to mine and me gal-pals) and ate. Now being in vegas we were all being dorky teens, it didn't help that our two teammates were and sadly still are dating one another (Mean to say but...., they're touchy touchy too much.} We eventually did some cuddling and when we went over to my room to try to go a little farther the other two followed because the gal pal didn't want her mom catching her alone with her boyfriend in a hotel room. So each time me and the dude-friend tried to be alone that night it was ruined.
Coming away from that now...the real point is...I have no clue how I lost this guy as a friend. I wasn't clingy...nor was I pushy at all. Whenever my friends see him he apparently asks about me, but yet never shows interest in wanting to talk to me to my face. After vegas everything changed and I lost one the very few people in this world I could actually joke with about movies or TV shows and not be asked "What is that? or told "I don't like watching those kinds of shows"...."I don't wath a lot of tv." Clarke...you are truly a mix of Hot 'N Cold and The Asshole Song.....I enjoyed the time we spent together, but when you choose to keep our two teammates friends and get back with the chick that is always the on and off thing...I don't think I can continue believing that we are friends still or even close to being that......
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Disrespectful Doesn't Get Ya Respect Ladies
So today was my league night for bowling. I have two friends from high school on it, one of the friends moms and another friends mom on my team, making five members on a team. Now the people on this league are all women. Its an all woman's league night and I am okay with that. Almost all the women on the league like me and my friend who just started this year. BUT....there are always one or two teams that must center out those newbies and look down on them.
On this league there are about six or seven of these women who center my friend and me out. I dress in jeans and a t-shirt almost all the time, even in the summer since I am not comfortable enough in my body to wear shorts or tank tops. Now I usually dress in black t-shirts or a dark colored one. My jeans vary in blue shades and I wear black high tops. My friend has the body to wear tank tops and wife beaters. She skinny and not gonna lie here, a really nice rack that is a little better then mine. She wears tank tops often to league night and at the Christmas party the league held during bowling she was wearing one under a hoodie she had on. So during the first game she took the hoodie off to reveal a light blue tank top on with a bra underneath and not even five minutes later one of the older ladies came over and asked if she could cover up because she was offending some of the women in the bowling alley. Yes, the league has rules and dress code, but no one...and I literally mean no one follows it. No cussing, no cell phones or any electronic devices, no ripped clothing or anything.
These women on this league cuss more then I have heard in my entire life time so far. They are worse then the drunk men on the mens league night. I give anyone who is like 40 or so ad up respect since they are my elders, but when they choose to look down on you because you are new or on the way you dress is something I can't handle. There is something called lane courtesy when bowling. I learned at a young age that if anyone is on the lane to your left or right, you let the person on your right go first unless they let you go first. If they aren't on the lane yet I just go then. Lately I have been already up on the lane adjusting on where I was going to throw my ball and the old ladies would just get pissed and quickly go. I can't stand it really after learning more about the rules...Gah...it tis just annoying. I see no point in respecting them when they will not return it no matter how nice and polite I am.
That was the only excitement of my day. I will be trying to get the first part of my story posted soon as long as I don't have any more writers block. I've been getting distracted lately and that has not been helping. As long as my one friend can keep me focused long enough I'll be able to get it done by the end of the week. Until next time :)
On this league there are about six or seven of these women who center my friend and me out. I dress in jeans and a t-shirt almost all the time, even in the summer since I am not comfortable enough in my body to wear shorts or tank tops. Now I usually dress in black t-shirts or a dark colored one. My jeans vary in blue shades and I wear black high tops. My friend has the body to wear tank tops and wife beaters. She skinny and not gonna lie here, a really nice rack that is a little better then mine. She wears tank tops often to league night and at the Christmas party the league held during bowling she was wearing one under a hoodie she had on. So during the first game she took the hoodie off to reveal a light blue tank top on with a bra underneath and not even five minutes later one of the older ladies came over and asked if she could cover up because she was offending some of the women in the bowling alley. Yes, the league has rules and dress code, but no one...and I literally mean no one follows it. No cussing, no cell phones or any electronic devices, no ripped clothing or anything.
These women on this league cuss more then I have heard in my entire life time so far. They are worse then the drunk men on the mens league night. I give anyone who is like 40 or so ad up respect since they are my elders, but when they choose to look down on you because you are new or on the way you dress is something I can't handle. There is something called lane courtesy when bowling. I learned at a young age that if anyone is on the lane to your left or right, you let the person on your right go first unless they let you go first. If they aren't on the lane yet I just go then. Lately I have been already up on the lane adjusting on where I was going to throw my ball and the old ladies would just get pissed and quickly go. I can't stand it really after learning more about the rules...Gah...it tis just annoying. I see no point in respecting them when they will not return it no matter how nice and polite I am.
That was the only excitement of my day. I will be trying to get the first part of my story posted soon as long as I don't have any more writers block. I've been getting distracted lately and that has not been helping. As long as my one friend can keep me focused long enough I'll be able to get it done by the end of the week. Until next time :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
My day, thoughts, and Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty
Did I ever mention how much I dislike going to the doctors, even when I am not the one that is sick or hurt? I went to the Med. Center today in a nearby town with my mom to get her wrist looked at. We were there for a little over four hours before being seen. In the past it had taken just as long. That was not the thing that bothered me though.
I decided to do 'ninja' people watching while doing my sudoku puzzles while my mom waited to be seen by one of the doctors. There was a mother and her little girl, I'm gonna guess the little girl was about three or four years old. I would have to say she got there during the last hour of us sitting in the waiting room. Now I can understand a parent wanting to get to see the doctor as quick as possible, but there were easily at least five to seven people ahead of her and her daughter. She got the forms filled out and what not in about ten minutes; then this is where it gets a bit funny for me. Her phone rings and she answers it. I am assuming it was a family member asking if they got to see the doctor yet since she began talking about how they've been there for 'hours' waiting. I held back a laugh and continued with my sudoku to act like I wasn't listening to anyone in the room but my mom. This woman then goes on to explain that there was this giant blizzard happening outside, while in reality it was coming down at a decent rate, but it was no blizzard. This woman was on the phone for about ten minutes at the most before hanging up then another five minutes passed. So about twenty five minutes in total she had spent there before telling the woman behind the desk that she was leaving because she wanted to be taken care of asap. I know this isn't my place to judge her at all, but some people had been there much longer then my mother and I and hadn't complained once...well that was the excitement of what turned out to be almost my whole day. Almost sad I get humor from little things like this..
Lately I've felt like I have grown even more cold towards the world and how I see it. I shouldn't really even feel like this, especially when I have no reason to. Well I have a theory, but its a pretty impossible thing right now. Going through a rough patch with friends and coming to some conclusions about my feelings towards a few people. I guess being cold towards things is a way for me to keep myself protected. I probably sound like some bitch to peole reading this and I don't blame you if you call me one. I am quite nice once you get to know me.
Now, I know I might seem that I'm jumping around in this post and I am...I have a lot on my mind. Tonight it has been mostly focused on video games and one of my friends who is a follower of this blog. First...Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty...I love starcraft. My dad got me into it when I was young and was addicted to it more then enough to prove that I'd one day want to design these kind of games....But...
Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty; I bought it during the second or third month it came out. I played it plenty and eventually beat it within a week at the most. Once that happened I kinda died out of my mood to play it for a while, updating it when I had a good connection and what not, but eventually I stopped all together since I got the Sims 3 and Fable 3. Tonight I spent over 3 hours updating the damn game once more...then it said I couldn't play in offline mode. This is what really irked me. I don't see a major point in having to play the game online, especially since I have such a weak internet connection most of the friends I do have are girls who find video games such as Starcraft a bit strange and rather get their nails done. The guys I know that like video games are either not a fan of the second Starcraft or they are just that sheltered from this beautiful world (thankfully only 1 out of the 3 guys I know are). But anywho, I was upset that I have to be online just to play the game and update it what seems like every time I go to play it. Hopefully the part/expansion, Heart of the Swarm, fixes the 'must be online to play' because if it does not I might just have to get rid of a game I love.
One more thing before I disappear for the night...After reading my friends blog I have gotten an idea on trying to write short stories instead of making a long commitment on trying to write one long ass story. Hopefully I can get Microsoft Word working again before hand though...Hopefully whoever reads this might actually comment this time :P Hope ya'll have a good day :)
I decided to do 'ninja' people watching while doing my sudoku puzzles while my mom waited to be seen by one of the doctors. There was a mother and her little girl, I'm gonna guess the little girl was about three or four years old. I would have to say she got there during the last hour of us sitting in the waiting room. Now I can understand a parent wanting to get to see the doctor as quick as possible, but there were easily at least five to seven people ahead of her and her daughter. She got the forms filled out and what not in about ten minutes; then this is where it gets a bit funny for me. Her phone rings and she answers it. I am assuming it was a family member asking if they got to see the doctor yet since she began talking about how they've been there for 'hours' waiting. I held back a laugh and continued with my sudoku to act like I wasn't listening to anyone in the room but my mom. This woman then goes on to explain that there was this giant blizzard happening outside, while in reality it was coming down at a decent rate, but it was no blizzard. This woman was on the phone for about ten minutes at the most before hanging up then another five minutes passed. So about twenty five minutes in total she had spent there before telling the woman behind the desk that she was leaving because she wanted to be taken care of asap. I know this isn't my place to judge her at all, but some people had been there much longer then my mother and I and hadn't complained once...well that was the excitement of what turned out to be almost my whole day. Almost sad I get humor from little things like this..
Lately I've felt like I have grown even more cold towards the world and how I see it. I shouldn't really even feel like this, especially when I have no reason to. Well I have a theory, but its a pretty impossible thing right now. Going through a rough patch with friends and coming to some conclusions about my feelings towards a few people. I guess being cold towards things is a way for me to keep myself protected. I probably sound like some bitch to peole reading this and I don't blame you if you call me one. I am quite nice once you get to know me.
Now, I know I might seem that I'm jumping around in this post and I am...I have a lot on my mind. Tonight it has been mostly focused on video games and one of my friends who is a follower of this blog. First...Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty...I love starcraft. My dad got me into it when I was young and was addicted to it more then enough to prove that I'd one day want to design these kind of games....But...
Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty; I bought it during the second or third month it came out. I played it plenty and eventually beat it within a week at the most. Once that happened I kinda died out of my mood to play it for a while, updating it when I had a good connection and what not, but eventually I stopped all together since I got the Sims 3 and Fable 3. Tonight I spent over 3 hours updating the damn game once more...then it said I couldn't play in offline mode. This is what really irked me. I don't see a major point in having to play the game online, especially since I have such a weak internet connection most of the friends I do have are girls who find video games such as Starcraft a bit strange and rather get their nails done. The guys I know that like video games are either not a fan of the second Starcraft or they are just that sheltered from this beautiful world (thankfully only 1 out of the 3 guys I know are). But anywho, I was upset that I have to be online just to play the game and update it what seems like every time I go to play it. Hopefully the part/expansion, Heart of the Swarm, fixes the 'must be online to play' because if it does not I might just have to get rid of a game I love.
One more thing before I disappear for the night...After reading my friends blog I have gotten an idea on trying to write short stories instead of making a long commitment on trying to write one long ass story. Hopefully I can get Microsoft Word working again before hand though...Hopefully whoever reads this might actually comment this time :P Hope ya'll have a good day :)
Monday, January 16, 2012
First time blogging
I don't know where I should begin. This is my first time I've ever blogged; mostly doing this to see if it helps relieve the stress that has been building up for quite some time now. I don't have many people I can talk about these things with anymore. Most went off to college and others have just grown to the point where they find themselves better then others. So if you tak interest in this blog, thank you. If you don't...well I don't really care.
I assume I should start with a little background information first. Well I'm 19 years old and I live between small ass towns that have only one traffic light. I was one of those kids in High School that was made fun of because of my looks and how I dressed. I've always had a weight problem and honestly, I've given up on caring already because of idiots that insist to bully people because they are fat, how they look, or how they act. I enjoy playing video games(currently having a small addiction to The Sims 3 lately) and writing stories. The one thing I love doing the most is go bowling. Its the one escape I have where my parents do not insist on coming along.
Well I guess I should move onto my problems really. I have low self esteem, I don't find myself pretty nor do I think of my self as being funny or enjoyable to be around. I'm always told other wise. That is not what is bothering me though. What has been eating away at me lately is the fact that I realized that my parents have a possibility of seperating now since my dad got his new job. I know I'm 19 and should be able to handle this better then what I am now, but its hard. My half sister went through it once with my mom and her dad and she was five..she kinda turned out alright. I know its hard on young children when parents divorce...but should I really feel this upset over it? I feel like my whole world is shattering around me. My mom seems to expect me to take sides when her and my dad argue. I really can't...if I did I'd choose to take my dads because I know of all the things she does. Hopefully it clears up soon and that dad gets puts back on first shift...third shift is straining the family just enough to tear us apart. Thankfully tomorrow is league night for me and I'll be out with friends until 11ish.
If anyone really reads this I'd be really happy and greatful if I know I'm not the only one that has felt like this. If you have questions you'd like to ask I will answer them the best I can.
I assume I should start with a little background information first. Well I'm 19 years old and I live between small ass towns that have only one traffic light. I was one of those kids in High School that was made fun of because of my looks and how I dressed. I've always had a weight problem and honestly, I've given up on caring already because of idiots that insist to bully people because they are fat, how they look, or how they act. I enjoy playing video games(currently having a small addiction to The Sims 3 lately) and writing stories. The one thing I love doing the most is go bowling. Its the one escape I have where my parents do not insist on coming along.
Well I guess I should move onto my problems really. I have low self esteem, I don't find myself pretty nor do I think of my self as being funny or enjoyable to be around. I'm always told other wise. That is not what is bothering me though. What has been eating away at me lately is the fact that I realized that my parents have a possibility of seperating now since my dad got his new job. I know I'm 19 and should be able to handle this better then what I am now, but its hard. My half sister went through it once with my mom and her dad and she was five..she kinda turned out alright. I know its hard on young children when parents divorce...but should I really feel this upset over it? I feel like my whole world is shattering around me. My mom seems to expect me to take sides when her and my dad argue. I really can't...if I did I'd choose to take my dads because I know of all the things she does. Hopefully it clears up soon and that dad gets puts back on first shift...third shift is straining the family just enough to tear us apart. Thankfully tomorrow is league night for me and I'll be out with friends until 11ish.
If anyone really reads this I'd be really happy and greatful if I know I'm not the only one that has felt like this. If you have questions you'd like to ask I will answer them the best I can.
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